So, who gets the girl?
by ginmariano
Summary: Jesse and Finn are fighting over Rachel, much to her chagrin.  So she settles this the best way she knows how.  With song.  Rated T for language.


_**Before reading, I highly recommend playing "Fuck You (Very Much)" by Lily Allen when Rachel starts. Read on!**_

* * *

><p>"Get out of my seat, Hudson," Jesse snapped, crossing his arms. The teen refused, telling him to buzz off.<p>

"I got here first, _Jesse_."

"_Dios_, what are you two morons fighting over now?" Santana asked, entering the choir room.

"Because that's where Berry sits," Puck replied, already bored. "Where's the midget anyway?"

"Noah, would you please refrain from calling me 'midget'?" Rachel said, entering the room. To Finn and Jesse's disappointment, she stopped in the middle of the room at a fair distance away. "The term midget is _not_ even politically correct. The proper terminology is _dwarfism_ or _little people_, which is due to skeletal dysplasia, which in turn causes dwarfism. And to qualify as a little person, I would have to be four feet and ten inches or under, which I am not, at five feet two inches."

"Okay, okay, Berry, I get it, jeez. Would you please tell Hudson and St. Sucks to shut the _hell_ up and sit down already?"

"What does that have to do with me?" she asked, confusedly. "And Noah, you know how I feel about use of profanities."

"_Rach_," Finn whined. "Jesse's trying to take my seat. I _always _sit next to you!"

"She never _said_ she enjoyed it, Hudson. I'm sure you're getting tired of sitting next to an awkward giant. We're all afraid that he's going to fall over and _crush _you!"

"Jesse, Finn, I do not assign seats in glee club. I sit where I please, and you sit where you please. Whether or not that is next to _me, _is not my concern. If anything, you should take it up with Mr. Schuester."

"_Rachel!"_

"Hey guys, I got something big planned for-" The teacher himself entered the room, carrying various folders of sheet music.

"Mr. Schuester! Just the glee instructor and Spanish teacher I have been looking for! Well, the second part is irrelevant, but part of your title, so that is why I saw fit to mention it. Anyway-"

"Rachel! Did you _need_ something?" he cut in, exasperatedly. She beamed, nodding rapidly.

"Yes, I have a song prepared."

"Uh, can it wait? I've got some really import-"

"It won't take long, Mr. Schue. It can't wait either."

"Rachel-"

"Excellent. Just sit down and I'll be done in a few minutes."

"Finn, Jesse. Listen carefully, because I mean _every_ word. Hit it!" she said, pointing at the keyboard player. A catchy pop beat began to play out as both boys tried to figure out what the song was. However, some of the other glee members quickly figured out the song, smirking to themselves.

Just before the verse started, Rachel's expression immediately transformed to her best performance face, just by arching her eyebrow up in an dangerous manner. It was the one that had appeared before she had delivered a terrific rendition of "Gives You Hell."

Kurt's inner diva couldn't wait to see what Miss Rachel Berry had in store for them. She sang to his brother first, referring to his being more close-minded than not. Good God was the girl right! He was sure he wasn't the only one who had had it up to _here_ with Finn this and Finn that.

The drums came in and Rachel danced over to the space in between the boys, resting a hand on each of their shoulders.

Finn reddened, remembering when he had called his stepbrother a fag. That had _not _been a good moment. Jesse smirked, seeing this in his favor.

She danced away from them, moving up further the row of seats. With her first musical f-bomb, they were sure the room would implode. It was just getting better and better.

Jesse's smirk grew wider, his confidence growing. Finn had lowered his head, trying to hide his reddening shame. Santana didn't even try to hide her barking laugh at this point.

As she began to sing the next verse, she moved back to Finn's side, pulling his head up to look at her with her small hand, smiling. Then she turned to the boy on her other side.

Jesse's eyes widened and Finn's skin was slowly returning to its natural shade, smirking. However, it gave the Frankenteen a gassy infant look.

The fellow glee clubbers tried not to burst into laughter at this, disliking Jesse very much. Instead, they went, "_Ohhhhhhhh_,", "Burn!", and "Dismissed!" followed by a sassy snap of fingers. But they still didn't really know what was going on.

At this, Santana, Kurt, and Mercedes burst into laughter, quickly stifling it after giving a weird look to each other. That was _exactly _how they felt after just talking to Jesse. Soulless musical bastard.

She strode away with an upturned nose, back in front and center. Both boys leaned toward her, confused and earnest. At this point, some of the girls had joined in, singing backup vocals. Rather energetically too.

She let them take over for the next part, dancing around. They tipped to each other playfully, singing the rude phrase in a sweet unified voice.

Then she glared at both of them, hands on her hips and eyebrows arched ever the more high.

There seemed to be more anger in that particular verse, but the audience, aside from who it was directed at, was eating it up and getting more into the song. She brushed her bangs to the side, skipping down the stairs innocently.

The song trailed off, with the glee club cheering and applauding for their random jam session. Mr. Schue cut in, shaking his head. He really needed to learn to stand up to her. Because stopping a Rachel Berry number by himself was a feat that was possible.

"Rachel, that wasn't _very_ appropriate, considering the-"

"Hold on, Mr. Schue," Finn said, holding up a hand. "Rach, I don't get it."

"I hate to agree with Mr. Can't Dance, but he's got a point. Who gets you?"

"Yeah-"

"_So, who gets the girl?_ " they asked simultaneously, matching pitch of whiniest male perfectly.

"It _means_," a familiar voice drawled. "That neither Jesse St. Sucks or Finessa get Berry. I do."

They whirled around in their chairs, staring at the Mo-hawked teen with open mouths.

"_What!_"

"Thank you for clearing that up, Noah. But please refrain from calling me 'Berry'. My _name_ is Rachel. And I am not a prize to be claimed. Jesse, Finn, I _am_ sorry, but I do not feel any sort of attraction for either of you." They didn't respond, their mouths opening and closing comically like fish. "In fact, I have been in a committed, strictly monogamous relationship with Noah Puckerman for several weeks now. It was also quite a time period _before_ this whole unnecessary debacle over me even _began_. I also recall telling both of you that I have no interest in a relationship with you. Several times. Clearly, you both did not understand the notion of not interested. Was my polite declination not obvious? And-"

Her boyfriend jumped up, hushing her from continuing a further rant. The rest of the room was still quiet, still in shock from the revealed relationship.

"What Berry is trying to say is, is _beat it, _because Puckleberry's totally on." He turned to Rachel, sliding an arm around her tiny waist to pull her to him. "And babe, let's face it, you _are _the best prize. I got lucky with you." Someone aww'ed in the background, most likely Kurt, as Rachel beamed at him with a famous 1000 watt smile. Then her nose wrinkled, presumably at the ship name, and she opened her mouth to reply, probably from being referred to as babe. Puck took the opportunity to kiss her hard on the mouth, effectively shutting the talkative diva up.

Hoots and hollers, and wolf whistles echoed around the room. They broke apart to look at the Cheerio who had broken the silence.

"Pay up, Santana." Everyone looked at the Latina briefly, who brushed off the request with an eye roll. "Come on, Sanny. I bet that Puck would be the only one who could make her shut up with a kiss, and you didn't. Pay up," Brittany said, holding her hand out seriously. The couple stared at her, then quickly shrugged it off. She may be dumb, but she had like a freaky sixth sense. "And don't forget about the other thing. I win that one two. You should've listened to Lord Tubbington."

"_Ugh, _ fine," the Cheerio said, fishing bills from her top. "Here, Britt. Fair and square." Then she switched her gaze to the two Jews. "So Puckleberry, huh? Not bad, Berry, not bad at all." Rachel merely smiled shyly, a first for her, sliding her hand into Puck's. "So, as you see, Fetus Face and St. Jackass, you never stood a chance. So just come out of the closet and shack up in a gay vacay cabin somewhere already, for everybody's sakes. We already know Scarves is. Seriously!" Jesse's hand flew to his throat, ready to defend his _manly_ fashion choice. Kurt rolled his eyes. That was too much gay, even for him. But he couldn't _wait _to tell Blaine about this. "And another thing. Curls McGay is probably the only one who will appreciate the pyramid nipples, Finn, so I wish you both the best. I also demand rights to the bouquet at your big, fat _gay_ wedding. But let Hummel plan it, so that it might have _some _shred of decency."

"Thank you?" the teen fashionista said, actually quite flattered and amused.

"Satan's right. You're mine right, my hot little Jewish-American princess?"

"Yes, of course, Noah. You already knew that-"

The bell rang, interrupting her. Santana walked out first, with Brittany close behind her. Not long after, the rest of the glee club left the room, Kurt gossiping with Mercedes and shooting a look at the two. Tina and Mike followed, nodding at the newly revealed couple. Artie, who was being wheeled by the dancer, waved a goodbye at them. Sam and Quinn did the same, Trouty Mouth shooting Puck a thumbs up and the blonde surprisingly giving them a congratulatory smile.

Finn and Jesse, awkwardly left with each other, but not before glancing back at Rachel longingly for one last time.

However, Puck currently had her busy in an intense lip-lock in the middle of the choir room. Their glee teacher walked past them, pausing in his stride. He tapped Puck on the shoulder, who made an annoyed _hmm_ noise in return.

"Uh, congrats, guys. I guess." He turned to Brad, who still sat at the piano. "Make sure they don't, you know, uh, um, well, yeah." He left the room, muttering something about teenagers.

* * *

><p>Author's note: Original song lyrics were deleted to keep this story from being removed. Sorry!<p> 


End file.
